Everyone on the planet who’s had a European History class knows the name “Napoleon.” He was kinda important for kinda a long time for kinda a lot of reasons, so they kinda have to teach about him. Unfortunately, the U.S. education system likes to make learning as painfully dull as possible, so they like to paint him in this untouchable, heroic light that makes him seem like France’s God of War, an Ares or Mars with a penchant for escargot. In reality, though, Napoleon Bonaparte was a dude who would have been great at Risk or Civilization 6. Like, really, really good at them. I’m writing this to help him seem more like a human being and less like the man who managed to conquer half of Europe and crown himself Emperor. I mean, he did do that, but he did other stuff too!
For example, he wrote a romance novel. Seriously. He wanted to be an author when he was still a young man (25 or 26 years old), so Clisson et Eugénie came to be in 1795. It tells the tale of a doomed love story between a war-torn solider and his lover, her betrayal when he left for battle, and how he handled it (spoiler: badly). He also wrote a book about the history of Corsica, his home island.
That brings us to fact numero dos: Napoleon can barely be considered born in France! He was born in 1769, the year Corsica was annexed to France. People were still mad about the concession, as even Napoleon’s own parents were part of the Corsican Resistance. Because of this resistance to French rule, Corsicans were almost treated as second-class citizens, still considered to be full of Italians (Corsica used to be owned by the Republic of Genoa) instead of true French men.
Napoleon’s family was upper class, so he didn’t suffer too much and had way more opportunities than the average Corsican of his day. His birthplace caused some issues at school, as when he enrolled at age 9, he spoke basically no French, only Italian and Corsican. And – fact number three: when he did learn French, he spoke somewhat slowly, with a heavy accent, and had awful spelling throughout his life. Didn’t expect Mr. Conqueror of Europe to have the spelling of a dyslexic tweenager, right? Grammarly would have really benefited the poor guy.
Some more interesting little facts about Napoleon include that he was reportedly tone-deaf and liked to dress up as a commoner and roam the streets. When he was thinking or planning, our short king (standing at an above average 5’7″ for Frenchmen of the time) would hum or whistle, much to the chagrin of his compatriots. His singing voice has been described as “distinctly unmusical,” but it’s cute to imagine him hunched over a war table, planning his next conquest whilst softly singing Au clair de la lune (By the Moonlight) to himself. As for his disguises, Napoleon would don the clothes of a lower-class bourgeoisie and stalk to streets of Paris, quizzing people about the Emperor or asking what they thought about him.
Fact number 4 (and 5?) about Napoleon are his secret lovey-dovey attitude and rather hilarious letters. He was a closeted romantic, and his first wife, Joséphine, was infamously cold with him despite his doting (and frankly, bordering on creepy) missives. He had to leave for battle shortly after their marriage, and while she was a windowed high-class woman with experience, he was young, shy, and insecure. As such, while he was away on the front lines, he often sent her constant letters of affirmation, love, desire, and occasionally, hate.
Here are some of my favorite lines:
“Every moment separates me further from you, my beloved, and every moment I have less energy to exist so far from you. You are the constant object of my thoughts; I exhaust my imagination in thinking of what you are doing.”
“I am not satisfied with your last letter; it is cold as friendship…But how infatuated I am. I found your previous letters weigh too heavily on my mind. The revolution which they produced there invaded my rest and took my faculties captive. I desired more frigid letters, but they gave me the chill of death.”
“I don’t love you, not at all; on the contrary I detest you—you’re a naughty, gawky, foolish slut.” (This was the first sentence of the letter, btw)
“I am pleased with Alexander; he ought to be with me. If he were a woman, I think I should make him my sweetheart.”
“My life is a perpetual nightmare… I see you no longer. I have lost more than life, more than happiness, more than my rest. I am almost without hope. I hasten to send a courier to you. He will stay only four hours in Paris, and then bring me your reply. Write me ten pages. That alone can console me a little.”
“Please write for me to these charming children of yours and send them some trinkets. Be sure to tell them that I love them as if they were my own. What is yours or mine is so mixed up in my heart, that there is no difference there.” (This one is sweet! He’s talking about her children from her first marriage, who he asks about in many letters and sends gifts to)
“I shall be alone and far, far away. But you are coming, aren’t you? You are going to be here beside me, in my arms, on my breast, on my mouth? Take wing and come, come … A kiss on your heart, and one much lower down, much lower!”
“I write you, me beloved one, very often, and you write very little. You are wicked and naughty, very naughty…”
“You know well that I have not forgotten the small visits [to your] little black forest.” (Her…Vagina?)
“I get to Milan; I fling myself into your room; I have left all in order to see you, to clasp you in my arms…. You were not there… You run farther from me when I am at hand; you care no longer for your dear Napoleon. A passing fancy made you love him; fickleness renders him indifferent to you… Don’t alter your plans; have your fling of pleasure; happiness was invented for you. The whole world is only too happy if it can please you, and only your husband is very, very unhappy.”
In total, we have more than 228 letters from Napoleon to Josephine, and 2 from her to him. Yeah, talk about red flag on both their parts, and not just their nation’s colors. Their love story is tumultuous to say the least, with affairs happening on both sides and eventually ending in annulment when Joséphine couldn’t bear Napoleon a son. The rest of their letters seems to imply they cared deeply for each other through the rest of their lives, still writing often and including terms and phrases like “my dear” or “never doubt my affection.” Their relationship seemed to be one built on a weird mix of lies, affection, and unwavering trust. Napoleon even declared after they annulled that, “It is a womb I am marrying,” and he insisted Joséphine still be called Empress. Famously, the Emperor’s last words were said to be, “France, l’armée, tête d’armée, Joséphine,” or, “France, the Army, the Head of the Army, Joséphine.”
Napoleon Bonaparte was interesting, go figure. He did all sorts of other stuff too, like design the Arc de Triomphe (it was only built after his death), help discover the Rosetta Stone, almost having a whole Beethoven Symphony (N. 3) dedicated to him, and other rad stuff I’m too tired to ramble on about. Overall, he was cunning and tactical, but never attacked unprovoked with one exception, and he spread religious tolerance across his empire. Although that more or less can be chalked up to him wanting more population in French territories, saying, “I am nothing. In Egypt I was a Mussulman; here I shall be a Catholic,” when asked about his beliefs.
Regardless, good one, Napoleon. Points still awarded to you for not killing Muslims or Jewish people, big props for basic human decency. Honestly, I could write another 5 pages on this man, everything from the weirdly specific clothes he wore to the horses he seemed to enjoy eating (granted, out in war when rations were low, but still. He ate, like, waaaayy too many horses to be considered sane), but I’m doing my best to keep this short, so, talk to ya next post. I’m going to go eat some Croco Babies now, they’re freaking delectable.
Sources:
15 Epic Facts About Napoleon Bonaparte (msn.com)
10 Facts About Napoleon Bonaparte | History Hit
The Project Gutenberg’s eBook of Napoleon’s letters to Josephine, by Henry Foljambe Hall
The Best Books on Napoleon – Five Books Expert Recommendations
Honestly, the direct quotes from Napolean’s love letters are really really funny and have me laughing out loud. You better write me letters like this when we return to the States. If not I shall exit this world in humble triumph as Napolean is doing with his coat-tail flip thing in the last portrait of him.
Based on how much Napoleon seemed to obsessive;y love Josephine, I am humoring myself by thinking of a portrait where Napoleon is just a mess and Josephine is the one with a swish of her dress. Also, what is it about guys named Alexander that bring forth homosexuality in military men? (I’m looking at you John Laurens.) Well, this was a super informative post! Never thought I would learn so much about Napoleon’s behind the scene life. It really is fascinating how history courses just teach you that he took over so much of Europe and flopped in Russia by going in the winter.